Self Soothing
By June Brereton
Self soothing is how we deal with stress using methods of looking after ourselves when we are feeling anxious, sad and angry. When we feel distressed about something, for example a relationship issue, some problem with work, something to do with someone you love. When you are in conflict with another, mainly someone you care about, and you feel you have let them down or they are angry with you.
• How do you calm yourself?
• How do you cope with the internal disquiet, anxiety or turmoil?
• How as children did your parent soothe you when you were distressed, hurt or angry?
There are many methods. Some from the good-enough parenting style for example. A child falls down outside and bangs his/her knee and cries, then runs in to the parent/parental figures and they put their arms around him/her giving a big cuddle. They examine the hurt area and soothe it by putting on a plaster or kissing it better. The child then runs out to play again feeling soothed by the care and carries on. He or she has internalised this care and each time s/he is distressed, gets hurt or feels afraid s/he knows s/he can run to the carer and will receive adequate amounts of attention. Gradually over time the child learns that in order to self care one must stop and listen to the hurt and then find some way to self soothe.
For those of us who have problems with self care, over eating or self harming there have been other methods of care given, or lack of.
The child falls down and gets hurts, then runs in to the carer/parent. This time the carer shouts something, accusing the child of being careless. S/he may get pushed away or even smacked for being clumsy. S/he may be laughed at and shown up for being soft. Whenever this child feels hurt, anxious or afraid what do you think they will do with themselves?
They are likely to internalise that method of care, by being hard on themselves, calling themselves stupid, clumsy or silly. S/he will push his or her feelings to one side and ignore the distress no matter how minor or major, soothing in the negative method they were taught as a child. So having been discounted in times of stress s/he will discount as an adult under stress.
Too often the methods the compulsive eater uses are destructive, and manic. There is a panic inside which has to be calmed and for some the only way is eating. Pushing food in is a way of dampening down the emotion that threatens to overwhelm.
Many methods of self care are the internalised technique used by the original carers for example, bullying, unforgiving statements which one carries in one’s head, demanding and harsh attitudes along with destructive behaviours used by the original carer.
The only way through this process is to learn how to self love, and be somewhat self indulgent, learning to deal with self limitation whilst staying away from self denial which has been one of the damaging factors in childhood development.
We are a product of the environment we were brought up in and yet there will also be genetic factors influencing how we respond and also which way we go in dealing with problems in our life. Where our methods are limited or poor or harsh then we have to relearn new ways.
A parent failing to give adequate care within a dysfunctional family, for example in a case of sexual and physical abuse, where there have been discounting processes between the parent and child or other siblings, all will evoke huge amounts of distress. We all know of the child who has been sexually abused by a neighbour or family member telling a parent only to have it denied or rebuked. We will continue to give ourselves the same inadequate care. A child quickly learns that if they disclose any problems to a parent the parent might only see it as the child’s fault.
• How do you cope with the internal disquiet, anxiety or turmoil?
• How as children did your parent soothe you when you were distressed, hurt or angry?
• What is your own manner of self care?
• Do you treat yourself as you were treated?
All of this leads to the process of taking care on oneself in a more healthy way
June Brereton is a psychotherapist/writer take a look at her website for more information about her and her writings
This article was posted by June Brereton married name Heathcote
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